troy in a space of time somewhat less than an hour
by cynic.in.a.fishbowl
Summary: Hair sniffing. Ass kicking. More hair sniffing. It's Troy. But better. Rated T for most of the stuff Achilles pulls.


Ok. This is my first fic, and I'd like to thank some people. Firstly, my esteemed Latin teacher, Mr. Mo who gave me the idea of going to Latin SS. Also, thanks go out to all of the people at Latin SS who put up with my test runs of Trojan humour. I had also better thank all of the girls under the jacaranda tree in the year 7 quad. You know who you are (potato).

* * *

Ok. At the behest of Lilith Lestrange, I would like to alter the above paragraph. Firstly, we do not sit around/under the jacaranda; it sits around/over us. Also, it is the drama shed quad, as we have long since scared away any year 7s who had the audacity to invade our hallowed ground. Well anywho.

Btw, if you give me a nasty review, prepare to have your punnet squares cursed until eternity. And the bad grammar in this adds to the posterity. If you want something more cultured, read the Aeneid. Just don't whinge to me.

* * *

WRITING ON THE SCREEN: 3200years ago, after decades of warfare, Agamemnon, king of Mycenae has forced the kingdoms of Greece into a loose alliance.

Only Thessaly remains unconquered.

Agamemnon's brother Menelaus, king of Sparta, is weary of battle. He seeks to make peace with troy, the most powerful rival to the emerging Greek nation.

Achilles, considered the greatest warrior ever born, fights for the Greek army, but his disdain for Agamemnon's rule threatens to break the fragile alliance apart.

* * *

**Battlefield in (Mexico) Greece **

ODYSSEUS: blah blah blah. Poetic nonsense and drivel.

MASSIVE ARMY: (tramp along plain in (Mexico) Greece)

OPPOSING MASSIVE ARMY: (tramp towards original massive army)

KINGS IN SKIRTS: stare each other out

KING OF THESSALY: FUCK OFF, AGAMEMNON. There's no WAY you're getting my land.

AGAMEMNON: go fuck yourself, I'm staying. I know… instead of a bloodbath, how about our best fighters fight each other.

KING OF THESSALY: and if I win?

AGAMEMNON: we'll nick off. But if I win I get your lands and your soldiers and your wife. Damn! Did I really say that? Sorry. Oh well.

KING OF THESSALY: WHAT'S-HIS-NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THESSALIAN ARMY: Yay!

AGAMEMNON: ACHILLES!!!!!!!!!

CRICKETS: (chirp chirp)

KING OF THESSALY: what'-his-name has the habit of doing that.

AGAMEMNON: shut up

RANDOM GUY ON HORSE: Achilles is AWOL again.

AGAMEMNON: well then where is he?

RANDOM GUY ON HORSE: what am I, psychic? I sent a boy to look for him.

* * *

**Achilles' hut of eternal nudity**

BOY: (wakes Achilles)

ACHILLES: what do you want?

BOY: king Agamemnon sent me. He---

ACHILLES: piss off and I'll do whatever in the morning.

BOY: it is the morning

ACHILLES: (stands up, and now gives a visual of the fact that here were actually two girls in there with him.)

AGAMEMNON: for a warlord, he sure can be a bit of a Nancy sometimes.

ACHILLES: (kills what's-his-name)

WHATS-HIS-NAME: (dies)

KING OF THESSALY: who are you?

ACHILLES: Achilles

KING OF THESSALY: give the stick of sovereignty to your king

ACHILLES: bitch. He is NOT my king.

* * *

**

* * *

Port of Sparta**

**Menelaus' hall of drunken cavortation**

MENELAUS: ok boys. Since you're leaving and all, I may as well give a nice speech. Unfortunately, it is really boring and has thus been omitted.

HELEN: (goes upstairs)

PARIS: (follows)

HECTOR: (notices, but stays quiet)

* * *

**Helen's room of adultery**

HELEN: you shouldn't be here

PARIS: that's what you said last night and the night before…

HELEN: you shouldn't have been here all week

PARIS: do you want me to go?

HELEN: (takes off her dress)

PARIS: I'll take that as a no.

BOTH: (kiss)

* * *

**Somewhere in the middle of the ocean**

PARIS: you wouldn't let me die in some horribly embarrassing way, would you?

HECTOR: the last time you said that, you were about to get into a shitload of trouble. What now?

PARIS: follow me.

(shows hector the fact that he has Helen below decks)

* * *

**Helen's room of adultery**

MENELAUS: (finds out his wife nicked off with the Trojans)

* * *

**Somewhere in the middle of the ocean**

HECTOR: back to Sparta!

PARIS: wait…

HECTOR: you little IDIOT! Do you know what you've done?

PARIS: but I love her

HECTOR: do you think I care?

PARIS: ok I get your point. If you have to take her back, then whatever, but I'm going with her.

HECTOR: they'll kill you

PARIS: so I'll die fighting

HECTOR: oh really.

PARIS: either way, I go with her.

HECTOR: (rolls eyes)

* * *

**Agamemnon's hall of taking over the world**

MENELAUS: I want her back

AGAMEMNON: well of course you do. She's hot

MENELAUS: I want her back so I can kill her myself

AGAMEMNON: whatever

* * *

**Phtia, Greece**

ACHILLES: (is sword fighting) (throws spear into tree)

ODYSSEUS: (plays mind games with Achilles) (appeals to Achilles' egomaniac side)

ACHILLES' MOTHER: blah blah blah. If you go you will die, if you stay you will live happily ever after. Blah blah blah

* * *

**Troy**

HECTOR: (sees enormous fleet of ships) oh shit

PARIS: (sees enormous fleet of ships) oh shit

DRY VOICE IN BACKGROUND: bet you wish you'd kept it in your pants now, eh Paris.

ACHILLES: Patroclus, I want you to mind the boat

PATROCLUS: why can't I fight?

ACHILLES: just do it

MYRMIDONS: (swarm onto the beach and get shot to pieces before deciding to build a shield wall)

MYRMIDONS: (charge through the Trojan lines)

TROJANS: (die)

ACHILLES: let's sack the temple of a very powerful god.

DUDE WITH THE SCARY EYES: um, Achilles…Apollo sees everything. You don't think he'll get a bit peeved if we sack his temple…..

ACHILLES: (chops the head off a golden statue of Apollo)

DUDE WITH THE SCARY EYES: I see…

ACHILLES: (throws a javelin about 300 metres and through a guy's head).

HECTOR: bugger

* * *

**Inside the temple of Apollo**

MYRMIDONS: (ambush Trojans)

TROJANS: (die)

* * *

**Achilles hut of eternal nakedness mk.2**

ACHILLES: (attempts small talk)

BRISEIS: piss off. I have a black belt in kung-fuck-you.

ACHILLES: (sniffs Briseis' hair)

* * *

**Agamemnon's boat**

MEN: (drag Briseis onto the ship)

ACHILLES: bitch. Gimme back my girlfriend

AGAMEMNON: (sniffs Briseis' hair)

ACHILLES: give her back or I slay you

BRISEIS: oh screw the heroics. Stop killing people.

* * *

ok. i'm busy doing school cert french stuff, so i won't put the rest of the story up until i can find my friggin' copy of troy. if it exists. hmmmm.

p.s. pitchforks make really nasty back scratchers

p.p.s. dont shove a tuning fork in your eye


End file.
